My first real blog (Is TW a thing here? If so, suggestive content, drugs, death, grief)

Had a myriad of customers online today. It never ceases to amaze me how my evolution as a cam model (and as a Domme, for that matter) is constant and quite unpredictable.

For anyone who doesn't know, my lover died in March of a drug overdose. I never expect this to factor into my hard lines, until I met this new customer. We'll call him Green Tabby, because he smokes MJ and comes to me for Taboo things.

I've had 3 sessions with Green Tabby. In the first one, he said he was "partying" and did a few lines of coke off-cam, even incorporating it into our roleplay. I thought, okay, fine. He's letting lose for the weekend, I've got no problem with it. But then he came back again the next day, saying the same thing. That he was just partying. Asking me if I did taboo play. Snorting lines off camera. And then he came back for a third time today, and did the same thing. And this guy blows a lot of money on me. 30 minute scenes each time at $5/min. But he literally doesn't remember me. He gets so blitzed that he doesn't realize we've done the same taboo roleplay 3 different times....

I don't think I can do forced intox anymore. Or allow hard drug use period, on cams or with my slaves.

It's too much like it was with Christopher. Being fine with it because it was only for fun, but you never know what happens behind the scenes. How easily a party drug turns into a lifeline. How quickly that lifeline turns into a death sentence.

I miss him dearly. I'm sure in many ways this is me trying to exert power over a powerless situation. Not allowing my slaves or customers to do drugs in my presence isn't going to keep them from doing drugs. But... I don't know. There are so many points at which I could have said "Enough" with Christopher, and I didn't. I knew it could get to this point, but I never believed it really would. I kicked H. Everyone else kicked H. It was just extra hard for Christopher.

And then he died.

I can't bear to be a participant in another story like that. No amount of money is worth that pain.

So anyway.

That was my realization of the day. Drug use is an unexpected but incredibly hard line.

In the future when I blog it will be funnier, hopefully. A lot of funny/crazy shit happens on cams.

Until next time,
Vandee