Do you really get it deep inside?

Are you ready for another cross post from www.goddessbelladonna.com? A little more food for thought and a little more about me at the same time. Let me point out a few important things to you. Get some coffee or tea first. This one is long.

Do you really get it deep inside?
Fetish Psychology by Goddess Bella Donna

Welcome back my dears,

pull up your chairs, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and consider what I have to present to you today. I have named this under "fetish psychology" because we are going to go a lot deeper then the physical.

We live in a time and age where any information on just about any topic can be found in abundance on the Internet. Pick any subject, any fetish, any kink, any erotic thought, put it into one of the many Search Engines and you'll receive page after page of information.

Some of that information will be informative and based on someone else's experience. Other information will be purely fictional, and yet more will be so far off the mark it doesn't belong at all. Regardless of good or bad, it is out there. It's so easy to read and then parrot back to others.

It's not difficult at all to take something you read and make it appear as your own knowledge. Simply reword it so it is close enough, spew it back at others and make it appear as if you know what you are talking about. It's called; Fake it until you make it! and you hear that advise a lot in the various communities.
Not all advice is good advice!

It's not a good idea and bad advice. If you happen to do this and come one someone with actual experience, they can see through you very quickly. It doesn't reflect well on your integrity, especially since there is no shame in being new. It's much better to admit to it and learn as you go.
Getting it goes beyond the physical!

Getting it is not about the physical action of the thing you do, but the psychological and often emotional aspect of what is being done. It's being able to feel yourself into the other person to a degree, understanding on an empathetic and intuitive level what is going on with them.

If you are having a fetish discussion for example it would be knowing the right questions to ask to help them along into full bloom. Unless you have personal experience with the particular fetish you are discussing or a kinky activity you are talking about with that person, you are only looking from the outside in. Meaning you only have a very tiny window into the heart of things which won't open further until you yourself have actually actively participated in it and several times.
The unseen signals which you have to understand!

As a Femdom I read "vibes", energy signatures, vibrations, breathing patterns, body signals, and even scent. If you have never done real time, you wouldn't know what all of those are or feel like to you when you stand in front of a submissive person who emits those naturally.

You wouldn't know what it looks and feels like when the submissive before you not only surrenders fully but flies suddenly, nor would you know what to do when that happens.

Talking with a person whom you don't know on a personal base just yet and discussing their particular fetish with them requires a sensing into what it is they need and feel when they are in their zone. Guiding them slowly to help them open up to you and become vulnerable to you.

You can ask a million questions, but if you have no personal experience in something you won't truly get the answers you receive. You have no point of comparison from which you can continue on.
We are all different!

That is usually when we see the assumption that all people experience their fetish in the same way, which is wrong. We each experience it in a unique to us fashion, which may be similar but not necessarily the same.

So only having an experience with one person one time still doesn't allow you to fully get it, because it is only a small sample of what might be the depiction of the psychological aspect of it all.

Fetishes and Kinks are multi-faceted little things which may start at one end, but can blossom into a deeply involved reaction and experience that encompasses every sense that person has. One simple thing can start a Domino effect that is a line of triggers. Each person has the first initial trigger that begins that chain, the question is which one is it for that particular person?

What is going on inside of that person when that first trigger is pushed and what will it take to spring the second trigger in line? What is it you can do to make them feel safe enough in your hands and under your guidance to allow themselves to fully surrender into that Domino effect with you?
The more you gain experience the more you'll get it!

In real time all those things I mentioned above are natural indicators to me as the experienced Femdom to let me know if I am doing the right thing and am leading them along to the end of the line in a safe and blissful way. I can tell by the slightest change in them, but the slightest shift in their energy signature if I read them correctly or not. That comes with experience and full focus on the one you are commanding.

As a experienced Femdom I have learned to give FULL FOCUS on the one in my care and before Me. Yes they are here to SERVE ME, but I am also there to give them the tools to do so and bring them to that place of inner self.
Porno is great entertainment, but not a learning tool!

Have you ever watched a Mistress in real life with a slave as they are in the middle of a scene? I am not talking about watching a porno movie where its staged for best effect and camera angles. I am talking a real time, real life scene.

Look in her eyes, look at her face, look at her body language, look at her breathing. You can tell the moment she totally zeroed in on the slave before her. The moment she made connection with his or her very soul. The very moment that she no longer just sees the body but inside of him or her, and now is reading and getting to know everything there is to know about him or her. The moment that slave has been laid bare before her.

There is a shift in her that is only perceptible to someone else who really gets what is taking place. It's such a beautiful moment that it almost takes your breath away and you become very still. Even as the onlooker who is watching it, you feel a second of utter stillness inside of you and you become a part of it on a very intimate level.

The very same thing holds true for the slave the moment he or she suddenly surrenders. When they let go completely and the trust in the Goddess blossoms into something much more. When the slave simply becomes an extension of Her will and has surrender himself body, mind and soul to Her. OH and yes that is exactly what happens, it's a full surrender with nothing being held back. A complete and utter trust because he or she senses that the person controlling him or her gets the need inside of him or her on such a deep level that you no longer have to safeguard yourself. The slave is now free to experience the very thing they need.
Understand fantasy versus reality when dealing with the virtual world!

During a phone session I am able to sense very quickly if the person I am talking to is just playing a role in order to get aroused and get off, or if what they are claiming is truly who they are. With someone who is only playing a role I by necessity need to take on the Character or Role of the person they envision would be their counter part. If I don't fit that role they grow impatient and it isn't doing anything for them. They need the Theater Version of an imagined thing that is just barely out of the grasp.

Let's say someone comes to me who loves to imagine that they are being tied up by me, made vulnerable, and then are used by me. For most of those who never been tied up in real life there is no reference point as to what that would actually feel like and they can't fully put them-selves into that place. For many of them what would naturally follow would also be of a sexual nature, meaning they assume I'd do something that is more vanilla sex then anything. It's the idea of "not having a choice, but to be the "whore" now" since She took the control from me by tying me up.

For someone however who has truly experienced being tied up and loved it, it becomes erotic and freeing the moment before I lift up verbally whatever restraint I opt to use. For some it is even about the restraint I use as well. Leather, silk, rope, chains, etc. How tight do I make those restraints? Which position do I restrain you in? Do I speak to you while I restrain you or do I keep complete silence so you can hear my very breathing as I do so? So you can feel your own breath and body reactions as I slowly take your ability to move and wrap you into my embrace? Is there a sigh when I have tied that last knot or have click closed the last closure? That is only the bondage part of it, and we haven't even done anything else yet, but as you can see it is already a world filled with sensations, feelings, deep emotional processes and more.
Different treatment for different levels!

For someone who never experienced it the tiny little details might be helpful to bring it along, but it won't be all that important. They need to get to what comes after because they can probably better associate with that. For someone who has every little detail becomes equally arousing and erotic, as my words take them back into something they know and have experienced. I am allowing them to relive it now and allow them to sink back into that wonderful experience they had. Oh but what if that experience was not so wonderful? What if something happened when they were being tied up and it disturbed them deeply? I'll be able to hear it and sense it as well if I already made a connection with the caller. There is a sense of fear and aggravation in them suddenly. A moment of apprehension. They know that since I am not doing this in real life to them, they are perfectly safe, but their experience will put their mind back into that situation that went a little wrong and their body will automatically react to it.

Now it is up to me to sooth them, to ask them what is wrong, to seek to bring that out of the Shadows and heal it.
The Femdom as a Healer?

Wow wait you mean you have to heal? You are not a doctor, you don't know anything about that. Oh but as a Femdom you are very much a Healer as well. You are an Energy Healer in the best circumstances and even if you don't hold a degree in psychology you have to become someone who understands the psychological end of the whole as well. How else can you help them? How else can you guide them safely? Oh what darling you thought it is really all just about you the way you read and you have nothing else to do but demand and "beat them down"?

The first thing you need to learn is to open doors that are usually closed inside of the submissive person because they are afraid of rejection and belief it or not abuse of the non BDSM kind. You can't open doors that go deep into the spirit and mind of a person when all you ever did is parrot back what you read. It is impossible. They will sense it.
Don't get frustrated and learn the right way!

So what now you are doomed to never fully reach it? Of course not, you just need to stop just reading about things and actually reach for experiences and learning what it really is.

When you are with your subs or callers online drop the pretense and ask them questions. Be honest and tell them that you have no real experience in this but you are fascinated and want to learn. Let them help you understand from their perspective and then pay close attention to what it does inside of you.

Find a way to try it out with someone whom you trust and who trusts you enough to experience it with. Focus on what is happening with them and focus on what is happening inside of you as well. Become still and observe. If you are attracted to it, if it feels right to you, then do it again and again with different people or with the same person only a little deeper. Watch how the same thing on different days may have different results. Not until you are truly awash in experiences with it will you truly begin to get it on a deep level.
Myth Alert!

Now I know that people say all the time that a Femdom who was ever a bottom or a sub, is not truly a Femdom. They also say that a submissive who topped or was a Master at some point is not truly a sub. Both are incorrect to be honest, because even if you walked in the shoes of the other for a period of time, it doesn't mean that you are not what is natural inside of you.
Realize this to be true!

It is however often the best way of really getting something when you know and experience it from both sides. When you realize just how much effort goes into it from the tops side and how much focus it takes to keep the submissive safe. How much trust it takes from the side of the submissive and how it changes something deep inside of you as you are being taken out of control. How hard it can be to let go at times, because we all have natural fears and survival instincts, and each time we experience something new those come into play. What the tool being used on your body feels like and what it feels like to use that tool on the body of another. You will also know if you are truly suited to one thing or the other, or if perhaps you need a little of both as is the case with Switches.
Knowing something to be fact because you tried it!

I learned perhaps even more because I tried to be a submissive and even slave, that I wasn't suitable to being it. It felt unnatural to me and it caused me emotional and psychological difficulties. I could never fully surrender and let go. I didn't feel comforted by the rope around me, but was agitated and had the urge to be out of it.

I learned that I could take pain and accept it fairly easily, but the mindset of a submissive individual was not true to me. I knew how to say exactly what was expected of me, but when you looked at my body language and my eyes you saw nothing but deviance in it.

Those who knew and got it, when seeing me, even if I was dressed as a slave they saw the Domme in me. They knew because I telegraphed it. I was uncomfortable and I would take charge of a situation without even thinking about it, because that is what was natural to me.
Not everyone who tried both sides is a Switch either!

I never felt the attachment or even desire to be a Switch either. My personality is that of an extremist. I am either one thing or the other, but I can't be both things at once. For me being a Domme once I knew and had tasted BDSM was natural. Being a sub was not.

I only managed to let go 2 or 3 times in the few years where I tried my best to be a submissive and slave, and those times I hit "sub space". Each of those times was brought on by the endurance of pain, not the surrender of my mind and body. Now if you are experienced with this you would be able to see that this would have made me more like a masochist then a submissive. Oh and trust me masochists with out submissive influence don't surrender, for them it's a challenge in many ways of how much they can take.
That moment when you really begin to get it!

It wasn't until I experienced all those things that I really began to get it a lot of things that before hand I only knew from the side of the dominant. It wasn't until than that I could begin to understand a lot of different things and see the warning signs clearly if someone is not true to them-selves and when their mind is rejecting what the body is being put through. When the submissive is struggling instead of surrendering. When something is being done purely to avoid punishment or out of fear rather than out of devotion and desire to please.

I also knew what it felt like to be in "sub space" and I know what it feels like to be in "top space" as well. I know what I must do when my subs begins to fly and to let them do so safely, as well as bring them back down slowly so they don't crash.

I understand the need for aftercare on a level that those who never experienced what the other side feels like will never understand. I also know what it feels like to lay there and feeling vulnerable and laid open and your top is angry with you or has no care to help you out of the confusion you are experiencing. I know both sides and I know the feelings that come with it.
You are NOT broken because you are a sub!

I have subs call me and ask me what is wrong with them and it breaks my heart each time I hear it. Some of them have been literally emotionally abused by people who claimed to be dominant and experienced and didn't deserve the claim to either. They have been led to believe that they are worthless, less then, simply because they are submissive males. Their very submissive spirit has been scared and harmed by that, and now they struggle in being something that completes them. That is not fair nor is it what it should be.

That too is where you best ask yourself, just how deeply do you really get it. How deeply do you understand the needs of being of those submissive to you? When you assume that it is always about their dicks, even so I often tease about that with the guys who aren't submissive truly and deeply, then you have missed the point.

Sit back and search your souls and minds my dears and think of just how deeply you really get what it is you do and what you talk about. If this confused you, then I can assure you that you have a long way to go.

Goddess Bella Donna

Note at the end: I don't expect you to agree with me always. That is not what my teaching and sharing of wisdom if about. What it is about is to make you think for yourself. To read and decide if what you read is something you can see as facts for your own opinions. One of the biggest things in Domination is the ability to know for yourself what it good and true, and what is just a bunch of hogwash. We are all different in our styles and presentations, but one thing remains the same for us all as the Ladies in charge.

With great privilege, comes great responsibility. It is your responsibility to keep your slaves save always and at times even from them-selves. You can't do that unless you really "Get" what you are doing.

*Kisses*