Should I Apologize to my Former Sub? I Don't Think So. (Dommes Read to the end... it's a good one <3)

I just recently cut ties with my very first submissive of almost 4 years, and it's been a rather dramatic break up. More so for him then it has been for me. The only thing about the whole thing that I've been questioning is, should I apologize for being the "ungrateful bitch" he claims me to be? Personally, I don't think so.

Here's a little run down on how this whole mess started.

I met this guy in my freshman year of college about 7 to 8 years ago. It was my first time really having the freedom to do as I wished since I living in the dorms away from my parents and I went a little crazy with the partying, as most of us do. I was going to school in the heart of downtown Atlanta and fell into a group of crazy underground rave kids. Being the creative and theatrical girl I was, I fell in love with the bright lights, energetic beats, crazy outfits, and colorful characters the Atlanta Rave Scene had to offer. I was HOOKED! EDM music quickly became my pride and passion and with in a few short weeks, I was working my way up the ranks as an Atlanta Rave Socialite. SoulFly (dude buddy's rave name that he used) was a old school Drum and Bass, Junglist Raver kid from California who was in his mid to late 30s at the time, hanging out in the club with a sea of 19 to 25 year old college kids. He was always a sweet and respectful dude, but always had a creepy air about him. He was the type of guy that would try to hit on a girl, but always got turned down because he had no game what so ever and was usually talking to much younger girls that didn't want to have anything to do with him. His only draw of appeal at the time, or at least from what I saw of him, was the fact that he HUGE collection of Kandi from years of going to raves in California and Atlanta that all the Kandi Kids would drool over.

For those that don't know what Kandi is... Kandi are like friendship bracelets/Jewelry. They're typically made from brightly colored, plastic pony beads, lettered beads, and usually have stupid words or phrases on them like "PLUR" or "Let's Get LIt" on them. Kandi Kids make these pieces and bring them to the club to trade or hand out to their friends. If you had and wore a lot of this style of jewelry, you were considered a Kandi Kid. 

Anyways... Soulfly didn't have much going for him except for the fact that he had an EXCESSIVE amount of brightly colored plastic beads. We'd talk to each other when we'd run into each other at the club, and yes he did express an interest in me then and claims that I at one time said that I would of MAYBE dated him at the time, but I taking a lot of drugs back then so I couldn't remember if I wanted to. I was a lot more timid back then, so It could of been very possible that I just told him I thought he was cute even though I didn't really mean it. 

Skip forward a little bit, Soulfly lived with his parents at the time to help take care of his mother. Her health started declining, plus He was tired of dealing with all the drug and drama surrounding the rave scene, so he disappeared for a few years and became a hermit. He had no Job, never left his house other then to run errands, a lived off his parents money and a social security check he got each month, but for some reason he continued to keep in contact with me through Facebook. Why? At the time I had absolutely no idea, but he was a good listener, so we continued to stay in contact.

This dude has followed me through 3 major relationships and a handful of minor ones, through moving away from Atlanta TWICE and moving back, through multiple attempts at school, and many many other successes and failures I've had over the years. The majority of all that, he was sitting at home hiding behind a computer screen claiming to be my number one fan. He was the main person I'd bitch and vent to during the times I didn't have anyone else to talk to.

We didn't start having a D/s relationship until about 3 years ago. I was living in North Carolina with they guy I was dating at the time and his family. We'd been dating about a year, but things weren't going well. I was stuck in a emotionally abusive relationship with a guy that was completely unsupportive of my artistic ways, was constantly bitching about how I wasn't making enough money, even though I was the ONLY one in the house working 3+ jobs, and I had handed over LARGE amounts of money to help cover the family's bills on MULTIPLE occasions that never got paid back. Soulfly was my main point of contant considering I didn't really have any close friends that I really felt like I could talk to. Because of the issues I was dealing with financially and emotionally, Soulfly decided that he was interested in starting to buy used undies and sexy videos of me from time to time to help me out. I was doing all this behind my boyfriend's back obviously. He was very jealous and even more vanilla. I agreed to Soulfly's offer and we continued doing this back and forth, about once a month, for some time.

Around the same time, I had found a circle of models and photographer in the NC area that had taken a liking to me as a model and started doing a number of TFP shoots to build a portfolio. From that circle, I met and started building a platonic relationship with an older gentleman who later told me about his secret life as a Trans Dominatrix and wanted me to consider doing a few duel sessions with him. Now this, by far, was not the first time I had been offered a gig like this. The Atlanta Rave and BDSM scene kind of go hand and hand together. I had already been to a number of fetish events and knew the lifestyle well by this point in my life. I just didn't recognize or present myself as a Domme at that time. I told Soulfly about this opportunity and how I was interested in giving it a try. Not long after, he started offering me more money to come and do live sessions with him when ever I was in town seeing my family at home. I'd come home once every few months, we'd set up a session, I'd make some easy money off him, we went back to being online buddies, things were good. 

Not long after we started doing live sessions, I broke up with the emotionally abusive, limp dicked asshole of a boyfriend I was with and moved back home. Obviously, as soon as Soulfly heard I was moving back  home, he was all excited about getting to spend more time with his now Mistress. We were doing sessions about once a month up until I started cosmetology school. Now, I've always been they type of person to be able to keep myself busy at all time. Especially when I'm in my home town. I have A LOT of friends that are artists, DJs, and performers of all kinds and I'm known as an artist and performer as well. As soon as I moved back home, I jumped back into my old circle of friends and started helping throw parties and performing like I always do. Throw Cosmetology school in with all my gigs and creative projects plus a waitressing job, my time becomes limited. Although slightly irritated by my lack of time, Soulfly was always pretty good and being flexible with my schedule. He started buying me gifts and outfits that he'd present to me during our sessions, would bring me lunch at least once a week while I was in school, and was usually pretty willing to help me out when I needed extra money whether it was setting up a impromptu session or buying a video from me. His one main complaint about most of our sessions... I didn't humiliate him enough. 

I've NEVER been good at dirty talk and humiliating someone to their face at the time was hard for me. I've always been a sweet, bubbly girl that had a secret sadistic side that most people never encounter. Now here I am, this sweet, bubbly girl, trying to find my own style of domination while trying to incorporate this guy's kinks and fantasies into what I perceive to be a domination session. I only had one other person I could ask about my sessions with and they had just run off to Ukraine to marry some girl that he hadn't known for more than a few months. I didn't know what I was doing and only had a few resources to go off of. Soulfly was starting to push for more and more in our sessions and some of it was stuff I wasn't really comfortable doing at the time. He was even trying to offer me large amounts of money to perform sexual acts on me. I let him pay me to go down on me for 7 minutes once and INSTANTLY regretted it. PLUS, it didn't help that in those 7 minutes, he called me his little whore, and then offered more money to have sex with me. NOT COOL! I learned my lesson quickly to NEVER let a submissive perform ANY sexual act on me again! 

At this point and time, I had lost a lot of respect for this mother fucker. Plus, I was starting to get busy in school, work, and in my artistic life and was putting that before my sessions, but he kept asking for sessions, buying me gifts, and offering me money. I'd make time for him when I could, but my life out side of BDSM was becoming busier and busier. I found it overwhelming to juggle all the hats I had given myself and started finding myself agreeing to sessions or videos and then having to reschedule or put it off in order to make time for more important obligations or for my own mental stability. It started happening more often then I would have liked it to, but even if it took me a few extra weeks to make something happen, I ALWAYS ended up keep my side of the bargain. Soulfly wasn't happy. He would start blowing up my texts asking when I think I'd be able to record a video or come see him CONSTANTLY. I couldn't have a conversation with him that didn't include him reminding me over and over that I needed to do or make something for him. Soon his constant begging and neediness started to piss me off and I started wanting to do less and less in order to appease his wants. His sessions started to turn from being all about allowing him worship me as HE pleased and more about how I wanted him to worship ME. 

Our final session together, I had had enough. I was tired of having my phone blowing up all day cause of him. I was tired of HIM telling ME what to do. I was tired of him constantly trying to tell me that I fucking owed him something cause of all the money and gifts he's gotten me over the years, and then tries to bribe me with more money to do things in session that I WAS NOT willing to give him just cause he knew I wanted and needed the money. Our last session included him watching me do my make up and get dressed, him doing my hair for me, Me sitting on his face for a few minutes while on my phone, him getting to stick his face in my butt while I continued to pay attention to my phone, and him getting to fuck my feet with my latex stockings on that HE got me whilst still keeping ALL my attention on my phone. After he came, I got dressed, he walked me out to my car, SLAMMED THE DOOR ON ME, then told me he not longer wanted my services.

Guess who came crawling back a few weeks later? You guessed it, but I was unwilling to give him anything he wanted. He has tried to offer money for cam and video sessions over the last month or so, but I've turned him down. Finally, he asked for one face to face session before I left to go travel out west for the next few months. We discussed our terms in FINE DETAIL, came to an agreement, and set a date for the week right before I leave town. A week are so after our agreement, he asked to renegotiate and I refused. He didn't like the answer it had and cancelled the session. Since he has been berating me and blowing up my inboxes telling me how much of a stupid bitch it am and THREATENING TO OUT ME TO MY MOMMY!! HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The sad part is that this man has spent the last 7 year of his life stalking me from his computer at home, spent THOUSANDS of dollars on me over the years knowing that I WILL NEVER be in a sexual relationship with him, AND THINKING THAT I OWE HIM SOMETHING FOR BEING A NICE FUCKING GUY. 

This morning I work up to this Lovely message in my fetlife inbox. Keep in mind, he's listing events that have happened between the ages of 19 to now:

"Let me break down your fabulous life for you.
Let's start with the boyfriends you've had since I've known you.
Loki. A junky that you not only stayed with while he was a junky but after you were done and over with him you left school and moved back home to get back with his junky ass.
Jordin. A douche. Though I suspect, like with any relationship, your problems were more 50/50 then you will ever admit.
Mikey. One word, alcoholic. And yeah, drinking a handle to the dome in just a few days is the definition of alcoholic.
Then there are the 5 dudes you fucked within a months time. DK, Niko, the black guy and 2 dudes with the same name I can't remember.
Not your bf but your best friend is a tweeker.

Your jobs.
Delivering sandwiches and pizza. Waitress. One waitress job which you got fired because partying was more important to you.
Don't try and claim poi, gogo dancing, costume design or any of the other crap you think is important as a job because you'll never make any real money from it.
I mean you were too stupid to get paid for the costumes.
The poi and all that other shit is just an excuse to be get high and hang around at druggy festivals and burns with as bunch of junky tweekers snorting K.
Now, you are basically helping horny old men get off for money. It was one thing to have it as a side thing but to rely on it is the real pathetic thing.

Me being pathetic was all part of the game that you were too selfish and angry to get right.
For you to ever say that what you did was more important than me was a real fucked up thing to ever say or imply.
Sorry but me taking care of my Mom was way more important than anything you've done since we've known each other. I gave up everything in Cali to move here and take care of her for over a decade.
The only worthwhile thing you've done so far is graduate school but you're too stupid to grow up and get a job in a salon and put your dues in so you can actually move up in the industry.
Thinking your first job out of school is going to be on a tv or movie set is laughable.
Instead of trying to get a job and make some money you're going on a druggy trip and get high all summer and pay for it with the money you make getting horny old men off.
The best advice I can give you is to grow up, quit with the pot, drugs, alcohol, parties and festivals and get a real job because before you know it you'll be 30 something, high and a single parent back living with your Mom.

I had the money for the session, the renegotiation I wanted was to buy you the laptop so I could put it on my credit card and pay it off over 2 or 3 months instead of dishing it all out in cash at once.
I didn't say that was what I wanted because I wanted to see what your reaction was going to be and like I predicted it was an angry, bitter, selfish reaction.
You basically gave me way too much time to think about everything and I realized you're a selfish, self centered, narcissistic, angry, bitter person with no compassion or empathy.
This is the last time you'll ever hear from me. If you ever try and talk to me again it better start with an apology or I will send the screen shots, that I already have, including that nice long blog from your findom site about the dude in his back yard, and all your other sites to your Mom. And I'm not even worried about you outing me in the least bit.

Now go ahead and block me.

One other thing. Just in gifts, I spent well over a grand on you. That is just Amazon gifts. Doesn't include the Yandy stuff or the cash I sent you. We had 9 photo sessions and a minimum of 200 each plus 10 videos I was paying way too much for since You could never do what I asked for in them. So all in all I wasted somewhere approaching 5 grand on your ungrateful ass."

Do you think I owe him an apology, cause I FUCKING DON'T! Such as sad, sorry, pathetic little fuck shit of a man doesn't deserve SHIT! I have given this BOY my time and attention for over 7 years! He has more naked photos and videos of me then ANY of my boyfriends EVER had and I was ALWAYS grateful for all the gifts and tributes he made to me over the years. Every event and situation he brought up in his message is absolutely FALSE and TWISTED. I have made more money performing this year alone then I have in the past 3 years prior. I got FUCKED OVER by a festival for a costuming gig and are in the process of SUEING said festival. I haven't found a Job in a salon because I JUST got licensed not even a week ago, and am traveling up and down the west coast for the next few months so I can't settle into anything. I do smoke pot, but I DO NOT party or do drugs like I did in college, yet this fucking bitch wants to try and telling me something about myself? This dude does NOTHING but sits on his ass in front of his computer and wanks his pathetic fucking dick to girls that are WAY out of his league.

So, FUCK YOU SOULFLY! I'm gonna laugh SO FUCKING HARD when you come crawling back to me in a few months, cause you know you will!