how i became a sub

I'm sorry this is so long, i thought i'd try to write a 'how i got into this' blog, and it went on for ages.

Maybe it all started with my first ever kiss, when I was 13. At a house party, a girl in the year above who I didn’t know, tall and beautiful with long blonde hair and tight blue jeans, kissed me. I was so surprised. And not just kissed – this was tongues too. That’s an amazing feeling the first time, someone else’s tongue in your mouth. She just put her arms around me, put her face up close, (perfume, alcohol, cigarettes), her lips brushed mine, and then suddenly all i knew of the world that there was an overwhelming, dizzying, hot, wet, moving thing. Something had exploded in my head. Then i realised it wasn't my head that was warm and wet and moving, it was my mouth. Oh my god it's a tongue, *that's* what a tongue feels like??

It was a timestoppingly beautiful experience. She had her tongue in my mouth in the hall for what seemed like a second and then she pushed me into a bathroom, said 'lie down' and crouched above me snogging and groping me. No body parts touched, i don't think, but i did see and touch her bra and squeeze her boob. She smelt amazing and looked like Linda McCartney. I can’t remember the rest of the party, or anything else much about that year really – but Alison didn’t want to see me after that. Even though we had kissed it became obvious i wasn't meant to care about it, or to want it to happen again, i should just be more **manly**, and not actually *care* about it, like a girl. When i used to see her sometimes at my friend's house - she was friends with his sister - she behaved like it had never happened. Those were painful evenings, and i'd go home and cry and maybe also the high emotions of that would lead to me comforting myself by masturbating later at night in bed. This went on for quite a while. So i had begun to learn about the amazingness of french kissing, and the power and mystery of women, and the strong emotions and confusion they can arouse in a sensitive soul, before i had even held hands with any girl!

The rest of my teens there were a few girlfriends, and we enjoyed having fun and listening to records, having a bit of a cuddle and snog, and perhaps putting hands in each others trousers or skirt, maybe even touching genitals... but not until they became *too* wet, and definitely no fucking. But usually it wasn't permitted to have *any* body touching. Seems old-fashioned now - this was about 1981. One longer-term girlfriend would often feel that i was hard under my trousers when we were kissing on the bed fully clothed. Sometimes she'd let me touch her breasts. And sometimes she'd let me carry on rubbing up against her leg even when it became obvious that i was going to come. This would be while i was being allowed to pay attention to her bra or even her breasts - maybe even suck her nipple. Holding hands, nipple sucking, and quietly permitted orgasms - definitely a sexual awakening there. Looking back on it, i should obviously have cared more if **she** came or not. But she was letting me cum surreptitiously, we never spoke of it out loud. Sometimes she would get really suddenly chatty just before i came, and would move away as i was actually coming, and then she'd carry on chatting for a while as the wet stain started showing through my jeans. Once time her mum came in shortly after that point and i'm sure she knew what had been going on. i was, of course, deepy humiliated, eventually going to the toilet to peel off my sticky briefs and wipe myself down with tissue.

This is going to be a really long story if i put in the gay stuff too, but it's now obvious to me that i fancied both of my 'best friends'. I would have an obvious erection when hanging out with Chris and i wonder now why he never said anything!! It would bulge down my trouser leg, tight stonewashed jeans probably. Had a couple of short flings with guys from college in my early 20s - kissing and blowjobs. By short flings i mean drunken half hours after the pub. Oh and i used to go into public toilets hoping to be able to watch guys wanking through the hole between the cubicles, and would love to be seen too. I didn't think i was gay.

When I was 18 I lost my virginity with my first ‘proper’ girlfriend. After I year I was suddenly dumped and distraught. I cried to her mum. Begged her to come back. Turns out she is gay! She had a 'turkey baster' baby in the 90s before it was cool. Anyway we never had much sex anyway, it always seemed to annoy her. Fair enough. :)

In my 20s I was with a lovely woman, really funny and bright, demanding and controlling with a way of laughing to make it all seem fine. She suffered from vaginismus - a condition, perhaps psychological, in which there are involuntary spasms of the vaginal muscles, making intercourse impossible. I can’t now remember what the start of our relationship was like or if we *ever* had penetrative sex. I think I told myself that I was being a good guy for 'putting up with that’ but I was probably relieved deep down that I didn’t have to perform that way. We had other ways of sharing our love. Maybe that’s where my first real 'sub experiences’ happened, although at the time it was just our natural, creative way of loving and sharing. I'll try to describe it -

Hot summer evening, naked in bed, in love. Age 24. She has had an orgasm and the taste of her is in my mouth and we are happy. She can feel my hardness against her back as she begins to fall asleep. I, being young and arrogant, without asking reach down and touch myself and begin slowly masturbating. She feels my arm moving, makes an irritated grunt and rolls away. The next day there was a bit of a row, and i say i've got needs too, she says it's just annoying, keeps her awake, it's a pain. I feel bad and sulk and we have a big row, about other stuff too, but it all came down to not respecting her enough. Being a selfish baby. I think i expressed my feeling that i wasn't a proper man if we didn't have 'normal 'sex'. Then i was a selfish bastard.

The next time we were in bed and in that kind of close space together, she indicated that she didn't need the usual attention from me first - she 'wanted to focus on me and my pleasure'. As we lay, both of our eyes drowning in the other's, and kissing and whispering endearments, she took my hand and put it on my cock and smiled encouragingly. ‘You are so beautiful to me, I want to see you come, to share in your experience. Why don’t you do it there where I can see you – yeah, if you kneel on the carpet there by the bed so I don’t have to move my head’. I felt very vulnerable and exposed, and came quickly for her.

Our love flourished. We did now know anything about the D/s scene, that would have been 'those weird people in leather and whips, haha' which we saw as a bit seedy. We were 'normal' lively arty youngsters. Sensitive. It's ok for guys to love doing housework, haha maybe he wants to wear panties too! Banter like that, and foot rubs all round, girls led that social circle, as they are wont to do.
When we split up because of a move, she was more upset than i was at first, but happily she really quickly got into the relationship she's still in, moving in with the guy and pregnant within the year! I see them and their two lovely boys every day on Facebook now, which is lovely. She is happy.

Fast forward to my 40s. In a relationship with a woman who at first is sympathetic about my ‘penetration anxiety’, and we discover lots of other ways of expressing ourselves. She wasn’t a full-on Domme, as you’d call it. But the following things happened all the time – me kneeling at her feet, wanking on them. anilingus – she’d come into bed after a shower and kiss me and say ‘I’m all clean down there’ and even if I was really tired I would enjoy her moans of pleasure as I would start off kissing her back – the fun is we both know what’s coming – and kiss down her back, and then the moment when I connect with her, my tongue to her anus. The first time I did that was a lovely, memorable moment. The taste was surprisingly nice, and the feeling was wonderful, and the groans and writhing was fantastic. I got praise too. We shared cuckold fantasies regularly. She’d put a vibrator in my mouth while I wanked into my panties, and say things like ‘big hard cock coming in your face’. Lovely!

What happened in between these two relationships, with their different levels of D\s practice? Well in my 30s I was pretty much single, and got into crossdressing, and I discovered the magazine Madame in a World of Fantasy (this is before the internet) which taught me a lot. I must have been about 26 - alf a life ago. It is a great magazine, i wouldn't go as far as to call it proto-feminist, but there was hardly any nudity, and lots of stories of slaves, TVs, Dommes, spanking, and letters from pathetic males boasting of their inadequacy.


I had found a name for my preference: “Female Domination”. Then the internet came along, and a new way of exploring this whole thing opens up – but in the end it’s really all a way of exploring your own ‘self’, your way of relating emotionally and… well, a million things. It’s real life, though – my bosses, my best friends, my world really is female. I think that’s why I’m now looking for a bit of cock to suck, too!