I Wear My Flexibility With Pride

DISCLAIMER: before anyone gets really nitpicky about my post, I think we are all able to understand this post does not apply to situations of blackmail, TPE, etc. Obviously every dynamic is different, and I am only talking about my preferred kind of dynamic.
I'm also kind of brain dead from working on my bachelors thesis so hopefully this came across coherently lol


So this post has been a long time coming, I was just waiting for the moment that felt right to lay it all out.

I would describe myself as a flexible domme.

To some, this seems like a blaring contradiction of terms, and to others it just seems like a complete misunderstanding of what it means to be a domme. to both of those responses, I completely disagree.

To me, flexibility is part of why I've had so much success in such a short amount of time as a domme. So let me share what I mean when I say I am flexible...Flexibility to me, is the kind of compromise and understanding a lot of subs want in their dommes. I've encountered many people who felt that just because they would need a few accommodations or occasional leeway, they felt they should not be in the femdom/findom community at all. Now, we have talked before about how my motivation to become a domme is more centered around being a resource of sexual exploration and sexual expression. If these people who WANT to be part of that exploration and expression are being turned down, they may never try to seek this community (all of femdom/findom, not just this site) ever again. And ladies and gents, that is a lost customer. I am a strong believer in loyalty - but loyalty goes both ways. If you are willing to compromise with a sub when they NEED to (not because they're being whiney bitches) then their gratitude and loyalty toward you will grow ten-fold, compared to interactions they may have with other dommes.

Now, when I'm talking about moments where the sub NEEDS a little leeway, let me explain that this by no way means giving them power. The way I operate, I let the sub know from early on that although they serve me, I still wish to respect their humanity. If a sub got in a serious car accident, would you still be berating them and expecting weekly tributes and daily interaction while they are laying in the hospital? probably not. If you do, you probably participate in 24/7 relationships and this blog may not apply to you. People are people. Dommes are still people down to the core of it, and so are subs. I understand why saying that in this community is so taboo, but I also think it is kind of ridiculous to take such a basic part of humanity and deny it in ANY type of relationship. As a domme who has had to deal with chronic health problems and sudden emergencies, I suppose I am more sympathetic to the struggles people have to face in order to simply get through life compared to their peers. Things like disabilities (which I already know some subs on here have) deserve accommodations, even if they are small and very rare. Does a sub have a lot of work coming up soon and may be busier than usual? Tell him to tell you if that is the case so you can work around his time constraints with a week of quick check-in tasks. Does your sub have a chronic health condition that makes his ability to be on a consistent schedule? Set up a monthly task calendar where the sub has options so he can do tasks to fit his level of health for the day. is your sub going on holiday for a week? Give him a task that can be done while he is away so he is able to enjoy the vacation but will still always have the task in mind. The direct time a sub gives to you is not as important as the control you have over them when you are not in direct contact. Sometimes, that can be the more powerful bond over a sub than constant exchange of words and tasks. This is acknowledging humanity. This is flexibility.

I guess the biggest instance of this is with a sub I met on another site. He was worried he would not be allowed to be in findom at all because he is a college student and doesn't have hundreds of dollars at his disposal every month. I could sympathize with him for a lot of reasons. Here is this college student, not well established in the community, and looking for someone to throw them a bone because this is something he wants to explore his interest in. His interest is already there, but the means is somewhat lacking. Although completely different situations, I could relate it back to feeling unwelcome in the community because of my age/supposed experience level. People see certain things that become like false "red flags" where they decide, this person ISNT femdom/findom material. True, there are a ton of people who absolutely have no reason to be here and are probably just stirring up trouble, but what about the ones who genuinely want to experience femdom/findom? With him, I am working on budget control more than tributes, and when he does tribute, I make them small and manageable. This is what I mean by flexible. Flexibility is not giving up your control. Flexibility is not letting the sub control you. Flexibility is not being a half-assed domme. Flexibility is being the kickass domme that swoops in and finally lets a sub know that his fetishes and kinks are valid, and here is what I will do to work around them. You are always in control, but you are speaking to the sub's humanity. We were all humans before we became kinksters and fetishists.

I've said a few times that I am the type of domme who works to fit their sub's needs. This is not to say I am a shape-shifting domme ready to pretend I'm into whatever some freak's fetish is just so I can get a payout. I still offer a unique set of skills, I still offer dominance that is specific to what brings ME joy and excitement. I still control what happens in the relationship. The only difference is I ask the sub what they like as well, so I can find a way to incorporate everyones needs and desires. I saw this young man who said he wanted to explore findom but he was a broke college student and I said, hey, I want to learn more about budget control, so we might be a good fit. I am not here to say oh yeah its totally cool for subs to send me tiny ass tributes, because 99% of the time it's not, and he knows that, but for him I am willing to make an exception and build a different kind of mutual relationship. These don't have to be all of your D/s relationships, but throw a bone every once in a while. I certainly do not want all my relationships to be of this type - I still want tributes and different dynamics - but I think part of being a domme is being open armed to anyone who wants to be in the community. Don't want the broke college sub? great, send him by way of someone who might, but don't tell him to get lost. One day he will grow and he will gain in worth and wealth, and you will be wishing you had been the domme to welcome him in, because he is so valuable now.

This idea doesn't just come down to extreme cases, such as with the college finsub. The idea that a sub's needs are important to the relationship just seems like common sense to me. If you aren't making sure your sub is feeling at least partially fulfilled in their interactions with you, then chances are, that sub won't stick around. Your wants, needs, and desires as their domme will absolutely ALWAYS be above theirs. You can't expect subs to feel fulfilled with you calling them stupid little fat pigs and demand tribute, and expect that that is always going to be what the sub is into. Newsflash: it USUALLY isn't. Findom and humiliation are often just parts of another or overarching fantasy or fetish. Now, that's not to say there aren't people out there who are most excited by that idea of simple findom coupled with humiliation - surely there are, sexuality comes in all sorts of varieties. But my flexibility is there for the ones whose sexuality is more complex than that. Subs have all kind of fantasies and interests - get to know them and I promise they will be more likely to stay interested in you as a domme.

As much as everyone likes to deny it here, D/s relationships still go two ways. There is always the hierarchy of the Domme being in control once the relationship is consented to, but apart from that, BOTH parties need to consent to the relationship. With that being said, EITHER party is allowed to rescind consent whenever that feel like it - simple BDSM rules here, guys. Your sub does not have the control in the relationship beyond beginning it or ending it. If that acknowledgment is enough for you to feel like subs have too much power in the relationship, you might not be understanding this....imagine giving your sub the humiliation they claim to want and the findom they desire, but all the interactions are based around you. Only your favorite nicknames are used, only your fantasies are played out, only your humanity is being respected. Does that make the sub want to stay? Maybe. Again, it depends on who the sub is. Does that make EVERY sub stay? absolutely not. How much of a detriment to you will it be to occasionally call them by a nickname they get off on or spend money on something you might not use as much but they would love seeing you buy (like socks if the guy has a foot fetish)? minimal detriment. How much more grateful will the sub be to you knowing that you're so superior to him you have the luxury of occasionally considering his feelings while he can only consider yours? exponentially. It's all about growing a dynamic and putting your foot down at the same time. the sub's loyalty only grows if you take the time to actually get to know WHAT they get off on, WHY they are here, and HOW to make them serve you better.

DISCLAIMER TO THE SUBS:
If you are a sub reading this thinking you have more power of the relationship now because you can threaten to end it unless you get what you want, know that brattiness is absolutely not tolerated by me, your domme(S) or anyone on this site. We will kick you to the curb faster than you can say "or else" - bitch, nobody wants a disrespectful sub. We will find a way to have someone take a literal dump on you while you sleep. You serve us. SWERVE.