Safety for New Dommes: Avoiding the Worst

This must be something that gets discussed all the time, but I felt the need to put metaphorical pen to paper as I'm feeling restless.

As most know, at the heart of BDSM is that beloved mantra; "Safe, Sane & Consensual". It rings true in everything w/We do, so that whatever our (legal) kinks may be, w/We can practice and enjoy them safely without fear of unwanted damage or a looming lawsuit over s/Someone's head.

For Me as a pro-Domme, at the very top is safety. Horrific stories of kidnappings, r*pes and even murders within the sex work profession are tragically true, and so many could be prevented. I understand fully the cries of "teach men not to do these things", but sadly, this is the disgusting current state of the world We work in, and until men get their sh*t together and stop being monsters, We as sex workers need to be prepared, and take as few risks as possible to prevent becoming victims.

I know it's horribly dark to talk about it and unpleasant to think about being so careful, but I would far rather make you feel uncomfortable and actually listen than not and potentially have something awful happen. It's the "it'll never happen to Me" attitude that gets so many into trouble.

So I have a few tips regarding meeting in person for new Dommes that I Myself put into practice; other Dommes feel free (and please do) to post other helpful tips in the comments that could potentially save a life.


1.) Always meet for the first time in somewhere very public.

I cannot stress this enough. When meeting someone, whether they be a potential submissive, client or the next coming of Jesus, always meet for that first time during the day in a public place. Coffee shops are always a good bet- you can get your own drink, keep an eye on it, and it allows you to sit and linger, chatting, feeling them out.

Try to take another local Domme friend or a trusted sub if you can. If you decide to go alone, tell someone reliable that you're going, who you're meeting, why you're going, and when you expect to be back. Arrange for text updates if you're going to be longer than expected.

If the submissive is genuine and has no ulterior motive, they will understand, see reason and comply. After all, meeting in public is for their benefit as well, because as they are concerned you too could be predatory for the wrong reasons.
If they're frightened of being seen, simply don't expect them to skip work or something trouble-causing to see you, and you're hardly going to be whipping them in the street; if they're so concerned about being seen with another woman then they really shouldn't be doing this in the first place and will flake out sooner or later.

If they don't comply, don't chase or change your standards. Refusing to meet in public for something as harmless as a coffee is extremely fishy in My opinion.


2.) Trust your gut.

This sounds bizarre, but I mean it. Your instinct is absolutely there to protect you, and knows a lot more than you'd think. If something seems off, if he/she seems a little weird and makes you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, even if you can't explain the feeling, then you trust that feeling absolutely and haul ass outta there.


3.) Do everything yourself.

Again, a little weird as a title, but it's true. If you're doing hotel outcalls, travel or ANYTHING along those lines with a submissive you've known for less than a good few years and completely trust, let them book or arrange NOTHING for you if you're going alone.

If they're trusting, committed and genuine about wanting to spoil you in such a way, then they will willingly let you take the appropriate funds and book it yourself. This means you're in full control, and therefore horrible scenarios like getting into a "taxi" the sub has so kindly booked then being whisked away into the night or having people suddenly appear in your hotel room at 4 am using spare keys you didn't know about aren't going to happen.

This counts for simple things as well. Submissive going to the bar? Nope. You go to the bar. You get your drink. Unless you've sat there and watched them prepare something, I would advise against ingesting it if you're alone.


4.) Friends, Friends, Friends!

We are a sisterhood. We protect each other. If a sub wants to meet in public, meet for a coffee, or better, at a fetish event. If possible, take someone with you, or have someone willing to do so shadow you while you meet them. If not, make use of the network of Dommes you know. Even ones you don't know will usually help you if safety's concerned.

If you choose to meet someone with a friend, be suspicious of those who aggressively push to meet you alone.


5.) Never give people your home address.

This goes without saying, and I am sure you can understand why. Don't take subs you've just met into your home, don't meet them for the first time at home, and try not to session at home with those you don't know 100%. There are plenty of public places available, whether it's a fetish suite, or even just a simple hotel room- if they want you and respect your need for safety, they'll pay.

It also goes without saying that you really shouldn't visit the homes of submissives you don't 100% trust, either.


6.) Never let money or apparent "charms" change your mind.

This is important. Sometimes, people will offer fabulous amounts of money or bring on the sweet talk for you to just change your mind a teensy bit. Y'know, "Maybe meet for a drink tonight instead of a coffee? I'll pay :)"

Please do not fall for that.

The second slimeballs like that think they can sway your hand with cash or flowery prose, they will try to exploit it as far as it will go- it's absolutely controlling behaviour and to Me smacks of something sinister.

It doesn't matter how rich or nice they are. Your safety comes first, every single time. Ted Bundy was notorious for being charismatic and fun to be around, and look at what he did. A smile can be painted on so easily.
Certain people use smiles and laughs to conceal controlling behaviour all the time. Putting "lol" at the end of a suspicious request doesn't make it OK. Always be aware. Always be vigilant.

Let no amount of money change your values and the rules you put into place for your own safety; it's your way or the highway.

No amount of money or avoiding hurting someone's feelings is worth more than your personal safety. Your gut feelings and instinct can see past the cheque they're holding. They will be with you always and are there to keep you safe.

Money comes and goes; you only have the one life, however.


You'll probably never come across anyone who's out to harm you, and you'll have a fab time as a Domme, exploring your influence and making new friends.
But I'm saying just be careful; you're in an industry that is known for being a target for the nasties, and whereas it's probably a narrow chance something might spot you, it's not worth risking it by being careless.

xxx