Good morning. (So what if it's 1430? I'm a Goddess. *flips hair*)

Trigger Warning for brief mention of trauma.

Hello beautiful people.

I like this blogging thing so I will give it another shot today while my Ritalin is still in full-effect. >;->

I am still very new to this world. I do not wish to ever represent myself as knowing more than I do or being more experienced than I am. This blogging I think will help me make sense of my experiences. I'm a great writer, but I don't often use my talents because I don't really care to write. But this is giving me new material, and so I am excited.

Today I guess I'll explore my history as a Domme.

I grew up in America. As in many countries, we have here a sentiment that women are made to be people-pleasers. We are made to be the "Yes Men". And for a very long time (20 years) I was under that spell. Must obey. Must gratify. Must placate.

Without getting too personal, the trance was so secure that I would submit to literally anything. Someone wants to sleep with me? Sure. Someone needs money? Okay, how much? You need a favor? I'm there.

Something finally snapped earlier this year after becoming a cam model.

My Yes Manhood went into overdrive when I started camming, when I realized that my ability to say YES was related to my ability to MAKE MONEY.

I still get angry when I think about what a pushover I was.

(At this point it might sound like my Domme nature is retaliatory. Bear with me.)

This relates to a history of trauma, I suppose. Where saying "No" wasn't an option and/or didn't feel safe.

But there's a point at which one chooses to be helpless, to bend and break to the whim of malicious Others. I had passed that point.

And then customers started to ask me to do things that make me cringe. They started calling me names that lit a fire inside me. They insulted my body and my face and my mind. They insulted the core of my being.

And in all of that - a light bulb, to the tune of, "I don't have to."

I don't have to please you. I don't have to dance to make your dick happy. I don't have to tolerate verbal and mental abuse.

I don't have to. It's empowering.

And I think this was the turning point for me.

All my life, I've had a strong will. I've felt like there was a power inside me. I knew I had potential. I just couldn't see that I was getting in my own way.

That realization was a door to a whole new world for me. A world where I could decide to undo decades worth of social, parental, and personal programming and become who I wanted to be.

And, while I figure out a little at a time, this is largely where I still am.

In many ways it really does feel similar to coming out of the closet. "I have to be straight. I have to like men. I have to want sex with them." A lifetime of these messages, and yet, coexisting, a much stronger, more natural desire.

Such is the case with my evolution as a Domme.

xx

I suppose I will stop here for now. Thank you very much for reading. If you like what you've seen here, take a look at my profile, send me a message, etc.

I am accepting new slaves. I'm particularly interested in working with someone who is comfortable with the fact that I am a novice. It is, I have heard, a lot of trial and error at this stage in the game.

I do appreciate your time.

xx,
Vandee