Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed: My Descent into the World of Fetish and Kinks

My personality has always been an enigma. As a child I was painfully shy, but somehow was dubbed "The Boss" in preschool, painfully insecure yet intimidating to others, desperately wanting a relationship but constantly letting myself be used. Nothing I ever did made much sense to me or anyone else, and I had kind of accepted it up until recently. I don't remember when I first realized I might have deviant sexual desires. I didn't admire the loving couples in TV shows, or the cute teens that were dancing around each other in anxious flirtations and awkwardness. I shipped Draco and Hermione instead of Hermione and Ron. I enjoyed watching virginal but fiery Blair Waldorf get defiled by Chuck Bass. I lusted after the bad boys, the dysfunctional yet full of passion relationships that were more like a firework than a steady flame.

My passion tended to scare those around me. When I feel, I feel strongly, and I am honest to a fault. When I am sad, I am wrecked, when I am happy I am bouncing off the walls. There is no gray area with me, I am and always have been all or nothing. What really started my interest in the fetish community was an article that Mixtrix did for Vice. I began researching this fetish, looking into communities, trying to figure out everything I could about how it worked, how these girls did it. In my past, I had usually let guys take the dominant role over me. At some point I stopped being black or white, and just ended up on one end of the spectrum. My dominant side had been squashed by years of being told I was "stubborn, pushy, bitchy". It seemed like I finally found a community that would allow me to rediscover a side of me I thought was gone.

Before finding Findoms, I signed up for FetLife. I knew Findom wasn't going to be the only thing I was into, and I wanted to explore. So I went in raring and ready to go, excited to learn everything I could about a community that would accept my duality as someone who was both dominant and submissive. I quickly made quite a few friends and found those willing to mentor me, people to help me figure out my voice in this community.

FinDoms seemed like the safer option to start actually "playing". The community was smaller, friendlier, and I felt more comfortable being just myself here. I didn't feel as though I had to put on some sort of persona. Due to my success here with dominance I decided to start allowing myself to satisfy the submissive in me. I put myself out there on Fetlife, thinking that the Doms there would be of the same intelligence of the girls here. I was sorely disappointed. My interest in FinDom was used against me, as a way to belittle my requests and my intelligence. I was accused of looking for a "free ride" and being a "whore", despite the fact that I explicitly stated my role as FinDomme would be entirely separate from my role as a sub and I had no desire to bring that into any relationship I had as a sub. I had to defend my kink to people who were more than twice my age, who felt they had the right to pass judgement on me based off of girls on twitter who take their clothes off for money under the guise of "Financial Domination". It felt like I was being punished for being new and trying to learn.

I learned that despite the fact I was a part of community of people who are frequently marginalized for their desires, people who practice watersports, age-play, bondage and rope suspension, and many other things that are considered "out of the norm", they were still judgemental and close minded. Even in a community that is so far advanced in the way of socially accepting differences, there were still people who just did not understand and did not research what BDSM etc. actually was.

I don't know if this even makes sense, I've been awake for 32 hours or something like that and I'm incredibly caffeinated and on a little bit too much Adderall.

Luckily in all the madness, I found people willing to accept, and even those who loved my submissive side and my dominant side. Those who understood that I am both, in every way, and sometimes at the same time. For once I feel at home in my body, at peace with who I am. And its incredibly empowering.