Cassian's thoughts - approaching a Findomme

by aristocrat on December 19, 2022

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Seeing cringy stuff daily I thought I would share some of my meandering thoughts. Granted, I don’t think there’s anything novel here either but if I help anyone I suppose it was worth it.

From what I gather, dynamics primarily fail for one of three reasons:

Lack of resources
Lack of open communication
Failure to follow simple instructions

Resources seem pretty straightforward. The bottom line: findom is an expensive lifestyle and if you don’t have the resources, it’s not for you. Here is some of what I commonly hear about or from subs that lack resources to support findom:

Common manifestation

Response

I’m just a student, or [insert low paying job].

This isn’t the Domme’s problem and furthermore, expressing this kind of remark is grounded in classic male entitlement.
So what can you do? Well, first of all: estabilsh your budget and then level set your expectations. Do what you can. Subscribe to her platforms: OF/LF etc, and tip. If this is all you can afford don’t expect much attention or individual interaction.

In this realm, there are two conflcting forces:
Subs with the most resources (and there will always be another sub with more than you) will be able to receive the most time and attention. Conversely, someone with little resources will simply not be worth her time.

On the flip side, many Dommes develop reputations “bigger than themselves" and end up scaring away would-be approaches, who think they can’t possibly send enough. Often times, Dommes will be happy that you send what you can even if it isn’t much (and doing what you can is always better than zero). In doing so you might be surprised with the outcome, but again level-set your expectations.

I don’t have the financial resources, but I have _____

Most likely she won’t be interested. Unless you can offer something truly and intrinsically valuble such as a skill set or scarce goods/service (in which case you should be monetizing it anyway and providing the tribute), it’s simply not worth it to her. Also to consider, even if you can offer something valuable, if it’s something in person (e.g., auto mechanic), it’s unlikely she’s going to be willing to meet you before trust is established for her safety. Furthermore, she’s not going to “upfront” her time and energy before receiving tribute.

Open communication is the most important element of any relationship, especially D/s dynamics where everything is amplified. Unfortunately it is also suprisgingly rare. Most people think they are good communicators (after all living in society forces a certain amount of it). If you have the financial resources, there’s a certain level of communication skills you would have had to develop to be successful, and the biggest trap: most subs feel ready to be open with their Domme but really that just means they’re ready to unload their guarded list of kinks and fetishes. What all of this lacks: being open and communicating when things get difficult.

If you spend any amount of time in this lifestyle, you’ll encounter difficult moments or periods. A Domme will certainly push your financial limits, and probably your kink limits as well and when she does, it will “get real” for you. So many subs fail to communicate openly when this happens and instead turn to far more toxic solutions like ghosting or ending the dynamic to chase a new one. Instead, communicate!
Maybe between inflation, cost of living, increased tributes, etc., you’re feeling squeezed beyond living responsibility. What to do? Communicate.

Eventually with enough time, even with the most exciting Dommes, and dynamic can start to feel stale. You’ll have tried every game, explored every kink, maybe caught up on vanilla stuff, and simply start to feel bored. You might be tempted to stray to another Domme and feel that exciting energy again. You might be tempted to just bottle it up under the guise of loyalty and not wanting to burden her with your feelings. But guess what to do? Commnicate.

No Domme is interested in taking you as hers if you lack the ability to follow simple instructions. You’re probably aleady tellig yourself that of course you can follow instructions but statistically if you’re a sub and reading this, you probably can’t (or at least don’t).

The first common example is not tributing before or accomanying your approach. You don’t need to spend any time on a findom platform to know that this is the expectation and for good reason. It shows sincereity and is your verification to her. So again, here are some common resistence thoughts:

Common manifestation	Response
But it’s tribute for nothing. What do I even get?	She has already spent time, money and energy creating a presence. All of that content, pictures, clips, tweets, etc. and the time, outfits, makeup was put there at considerable expense. If you derived enjoyment from her presence, you’re tributing for what you have already received.
I want to establish a connection first, just to make sure there’s communication available	This is partially understandable and some (but certainly not all) Dommes will accomodate a 2-3 message volley strictly for this purpose but you’d better be prepared to tribute QUICKLY and not attempt to take the conversation to kink in the process. The other reality, despite how ever many tributes she posts and however large they might be, as long as she’s still active, she will see your initial and seek to establish communication just as much as you. But geez, if this is what you're trying to do, say so! Don't just DM "hi" or "hey."
I want to see if the rapport/chemistry is good before I commit to tributing.	This is prehaps the biggest falicy of them all. Are you seriously expecting her to spend considerable time, effort, energy getting to know you and potentially receive nothing for it? Think of a similar professional whose time is their biggest service (doctor, lawyer, therapist, etc). Would you expect extensive consultations for free while you “try them all” to decide which one is right for you? Nevermind that they have posted oodles of information about themselves. Do your research, choose a Domme that appeals to you and then approach properly.

The other big example of the inability to follow simple instructions is the lack of follow through. Maybe she entrusted you with an assignment to do research or create something. Maybe the assignment wasn’t the most enticing or exciting task, maybe it doesn’t align well with your skills, or maybe you just forgot about it. Whatever the reason, if you don’t follow through (or at least communicate and set expectaions), you’re showing apathy towards her and that you aren’t worth owning.

Remember that your actions and behavior reflect on your Domme just as much as they do on you. Make yourself worthy of being owned.

All my best.