My continuing evolution as a beta male.

rogue38’s post about his learning caused me to reflect on my own journey. I feel some changes within and I guess I wanted to try to find words for some of my evolving feelings. As a result, this blog starts out reasonably cohesive and then kinda drifts off. ;)

rogue38 mentioned the difficulty of chastity. I think it is quite complicated. I have explored chastity for extended periods…the longest was 6 months. 
Aside from the obvious physical struggle, I find it does different things to me psychologically: sometimes emotional frustration, sometimes ego reduction, sometimes vastly increased pliability, sometimes a comfort in an ongoing reminder of who I truly am. My place in life. My purpose.

More recently I have been trying to feel comfortable with the fact that I’m beta. No, not just “comfortable” but as central to my identity, to who I am.
 
My entire life I have felt females were superior. Not perfect but far moreso than any male. It took me forever to try to grasp why few have similar views.

I don’t know if I was made to serve, but I know I have a void in my life if I am not serving. To be of use as she decides. Not me. 

I have pretended-alpha. With ok success, but it always left me empty. A mask. And worse misleading others which is unforgivable.

More recently, in ways that I don’t understand, I feel I benefit from thinking of myself as someone permanently chaste. (Hence trying out this avatar….)

To serve, to give, to help, to be used to provide physical labor or for emotional labor; to be a companion, to be manipulated or controlled or exploited or in ways for her to relieve frustration, to serve her sexually or not, any or all of those. 

But if it is any/all of the above, then what is it I seek?

Service and a connection. 

Somehow it is still elusive for me.