Ownership vs UC

Goddess recently asked me my opinion on the difference between “ownership” and “under consideration,” which is of course a complex a multi-faceted question.  Like many people when faced uncertainty, I started by doing some cursory/online research and gathering other opinions on the topic.  A clearly converging conclusion is that it’s a very individualized question, where the participants of a given dynamic have to define for themselves what it means, with answers varying widely depending on their own circumstances.  But this still leaves me thinking what it means to me.

From my searches, there were a few thoughts, some of which resonated:
Purist/traditionalists seem to feel that ownership should be a celebrated ritual that ultimately signifies consensual yielding of all rights/freedoms to the Dominant.
By contrast and given the prevalence of online-only relationships, the most extreme liberal use of ownership is merely a way of marking territory so that other Dominants stay away and also provide some recognition to the sub by affording a named status.  However, these frivolously forged relationships hold their concept of ownership rooted in fantasy.  Neither of these extremes meets my needs.

I am married and have a family and while I do have a longing to serve and sacrifice for Goddess’ benefit, there is an inherent limit to my available capacity.  By contrast, I also long for many of the draws seen only to an owned sub: fulfillment, senses of purpose, security/belonging and cared/protected.  I simultaneously want and don’t want to use the word “love” here.  The feeling generated from deep submission is not romance, nor akin to the love felt to a relative or close friend, but if you’ve experienced it, you know there is a passionate affinity that words cannot describe.  But ownership recognizes that along with the commitment, respect and devotion.

Expanding on that passionate affinity, there is a relevant and contrast with chemistry.  If you’ve been in a D/s dynamic, you know that just about everything is more intense therein compared to a vanilla relationship, including the initial excitement and chemistry.  But inevitably, that chemistry will eventually wane and the substance of the relationship can be explored.  For this reason, some subs constantly chase the chemistry (e.g., community subs) but never feel the genuine satisfaction of a richer dynamic.  Regardless, it takes several months to allow that chemistry to fade and then truly start to get to know each other and let that more genuine affinity take hold.

It sounds counterintuitive but I also think there’s a component to ownership that ties to the ease/ability to end the relationship.  This is relevant because it connects to the one power the sub always holds, submission itself: choosing to submit, choosing to whom to submit, and choosing to continue to submit.  Regardless of previous understandings and dynamics, with any consensual relationship once a sub declares their submission is over (or even passively ends it), it’s over.  However, a genuine loyal sub cannot simply terminate their ownership (again if you’ve experienced it, you know).  Consider the following scale:
1. Ghosting
2. Declaring release
3. Requesting release as a formality, often tied to a release fee or other consequence
4. Emotionally bound: ending the relationship is an emotionally difficult burden
5. Unable to even consider the possibility of discontinuing submission (or abandonment) without physical/emotional symptoms.  Don’t fool yourself if you haven’t experienced this!
6. Simply out of scope of their thoughts

Another area worth discussion (particularly for online relationships) is the anonymous layer.  Of course it is vital that Dommes maintain their safety as absolutely paramount and therefore need to be protective of their identity, location, vanilla career, etc.  As a relationship and dynamic builds, this protective layer can be entrusted to the sub.  Sometimes it simply helps the service (e.g., ability to send physical goods, chastity keys, etc.), but it also builds the relationship, as growing genuine trust is a mutual process.  So, this raises a pivotal question for me: can you truly and wholly submit to someone if you don’t even know them?  Going back to the cases of ownership built on fantasy, submitting to a facade or persona is hotwired and not representative of genuine submission.  To this end, my definition of ownership I believe necessitates a certain amount of IRL interaction: devoid of fantasy.

Also inherently tied to the concept of ownership is the treatment of limits.  Again, consider the continuum:
1. Limits communicated but not respected
2. Limits not communicated
3. Limits communicated and respected
4. Soft limits stretched, with appropriate care
5. Both parties know that if a demand is made to push a limit, it will be obeyed.  Both also know the seriousness of it to the point that it’s simply unlikely to ever happen.

Last, is the concept of a physical collar or similar item/marking to symbolize the ownership.  There are many variables and options here, but the care, quality and pride that a Domme takes in this display of her ownership reflects back on the quality of the ownership as well.

So, while some of these may seem like high aspirations or just vague concepts, to me that’s what Under Consideration is all about.  It’s both the sheer time and process necessary to sort through those uncertainties and of course doing so could (and should) take quite a while.