A big fat fuck

This is a rant more than anything. I have been in my feels the last week or so. Maybe it's because I'm tired of being sick and tired I dont know. I have been in the fetish world oh...probably about a good 10 or 11 years. Exploring, finding myself and figuring out what i want out of my life. I think just up until recently i kinda figured out where my headspace was and what I was trying to accomplish. I want to live my truth and I am no longer shamed by that. Yes, I am a Financial Dominatrix and that in itself comes with a heavy burden. I sometimes feel like I can be the little black sheep in the fetish world. Me being a Financial Dominatrix doesn't take at all from me being a true fetishist. I was a FinDomme when it was very underground. I came from the days I was budgeting my subs finances, getting rid of wasteful spending, making sure bill money is there, taking out what was mine, and motivating my sub to maintain a great work ethic all while enjoying our sadomasochism relationship. That's what Financial Domination was to me when I started. It has turned into monster with many heads now. Filled with fucking subs over and real life ruining them. FinDom was never about that..I dont know what the fuck happened but man finding a sub who is as dedicated to me as a partner is the hardest shit ever to find. I honestly think its because people see me and say OH SHIT FINDOMME SHES GOING TO ROB ME. Like no dude, Im just a demanding controlling woman who likes to be spoiled by her sub. I mean why the fuck not, Im his Goddess right? I have met some along the way. Some bad some good. Recently met one sub that I hope sticks. But...it has been fucking hell looking for a quality sub for me. One that respects me and isn't in this just to jack off to my titties. I mean shit, Im cool with that but respect me as a human. I'm in this seeking a sub who wants the same shit I do. Someone who enjoys life with me. Is that so hard to ask for??? Lol I dont know....today has just been one of those days sorry for my bullshit and if you read it thank you for reading my frustration.