Why Can’t A Man Be More Like A Woman…."Perfect In Every Way"

by Johnny on January 17, 2019

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I find it ironic I’m posting this here, but I didn’t know where else to do so.

All of my life I have greatly valued some of the stereotypic qualities of women. I am very mindful that any stereotyping of anyone is a path to disaster but nevertheless, in general I have felt that the majority of women are more emotionally aware, more psychologically insightful, and in certain ways more balanced than males. In general they have qualities which I admire more than many of the stereotypic qualities of males.

But that’s my own view…personal and certainly nothing that necessarily applies or should necessarily apply to anyone other than myself.

I was stunned to see the new American Psychological Association guidelines which describe traditional masculinity as pathological—honestly a few of those I agree with such as a propensity to violence or homophobia. But others such as emotional stoicism, achievement oriented, competitiveness, self-reliance and protective vigilance as Erica Komisar has written can be not only positive but have a biological basis.

I am trained in psychology, but this sort of thing makes me glad I left the field.

In the 1920’s if one looked at what therapists set as goals for individuals (independent of gender) basically their ideal person was a male. That of course was ridiculous. But it seems society is still trying to fit everyone into a single mold. I agree doing so does simplify things…just that it ignores certain inconvenient facts such as biology.

In the 80’s? (not sure) child rearing geniuses decided that to create gender equality, girls should be given toy trucks and boys given dolls. Fine, except overall gender won out. (I know plenty of women who as children never had any interest in dolls—again, I’m speaking of the majority.)

I don’t mean that environment doesn’t affect personality. Of course it does. My own developmental environment accounts for some of my being in this group. And of course people should be encouraged all their life to find balance and move in directions that work for both themselves and society.

But to label traditional masculine traits as pathological is a bit much for me.

The APA claims that they are doing this to help deal with the rising rates of depression and suicide among males. Maybe.

Or maybe it is partly due to the fact that society just can’t handle differences even among vanilla variants.

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Johnny

I did see the new gillette ad. This whole things stirs up mixed feelings within me. I think the primary trigger was the American Psychological Association creating guidelines of proper masculinity. Even though in pure fantasy mode it could ping my own unique interests. I guess I’m extremely attun... View moreI did see the new gillette ad. This whole things stirs up mixed feelings within me. I think the primary trigger was the American Psychological Association creating guidelines of proper masculinity. Even though in pure fantasy mode it could ping my own unique interests. I guess I’m extremely attuned to the nonsense within official mental health nosology (the classification/diagnosis of human behavior.) The mental health field keeps trying to sort out labels. And while they are helpful for billing insurance and for putting people into neat little boxes there are so many places the labels don’t fit. The boxes licensed therapists use based on the diagnostic criteria or guidelines are just too flimsy. Most recently is continual reclassification of autism...or for that matter ever widening label of PTSD. They take certain terms which start off clear and valid and then use them with increasing frequency so that they become meaningless. Though I guess I should expect this labeling of ideal male behavior to occur…it just deeply disappoints me….once I get past my anger about it. In general I think the genders don’t understand each other very well. And that’s to be expected…our life experiences are extremely different, much of it in ways that are so much of daily life that people don’t talk about it, and in other ways are so subtle and automatic we don’t even think about it. It is just how it is. It is our daily life. And it is difficult to talk about in a balanced way without triggering an often appropriate, or at least understandable defensive responses. It seems that overall the Gillette commercial bombed and got significant pushback. I guess I’m glad…actually aside from mental health professionals sticking labels everywhere, this whole area confuses me a bit, other than just wishing we all (including me) could accept differences without putting labels of “good” and “bad” on everything. There are always exceptions but in general I have preferred working for a woman. That has nothing to do with F/m, but back to some of the “good” stereotypic aspects of often being more reasonable, balanced, creating non-hierarchical teams. And when I read about males describing how difficult it is to be a male in today’s society….at one level I agree with the concepts that they describe, yet I always end up with….”yeah, but if you really understood the societal challenges/pressures placed on women, you wouldn’t be complaining.” Then I slip over to how the internet seems to have brought out our tribal nature which often supersedes the potential for genuine understanding. I’m not depressed by this, so much as disappointed. But it is just human nature. I’m still hopeful of societal growth…I do see it. Just 100x slower than I had hoped.

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Like 2 January 22, 2019

Miss_Alley

There are clearly some 'bad' male behaviors that happen frequently, and unneccesarily, in the world--I don't see how a company bringing light to/speaking out against those behaviors is negative or offensive to men, as a whole. Males who feel attacked by that commercial probably have reason to take... View more

Like 2 January 22, 2019 Edited

Johnny

Miss Ally, thank you for your support of that commercial. It caused me to reflect further. Even though I wasn’t “against” that commercial really. My issue was and is about the APA declaring certain personality traits such as being less emotive or more competitive as necessarily needing correction as... View moreMiss Ally, thank you for your support of that commercial. It caused me to reflect further. Even though I wasn’t “against” that commercial really. My issue was and is about the APA declaring certain personality traits such as being less emotive or more competitive as necessarily needing correction as wrong. I don’t think it is nearly that simple. But about the commercial….I see your point and agree in principle. I found it intriguing that in general (for whatever value surveys are any more) women like the commercial and men, not so much. Then an article went on to point out that women buy most of the shaving products….I hadn’t even considered that point. I watched the commercial again just now, keeping your comments in mind. I agree with you, that what the commercial literally says is correct. And I examined my not…reactivity…that’s reserved for the mental health labeling I started with…but my unease over that commercial in light of your words. I don’t feel attacked by that commercial, but I do feel uneasy. Which is fine. I’m just trying to sort out my feelings. For me there are two aspects that I struggle with. One is I see a message of “men should do more.” It is probably just me, when I see blanket messages of “men should” I get reactive. You are completely right it does say some men are doing enough, but not all men. And I completely agree! So any unease is an emotional reaction on my part…I don’t think it is from guilt or the company I keep…I was a sickly child and bullied by boys. Years later I became physically stronger and learned that bullies crumble quite easily. I have pushed back all my life when there are inappropriate behaviors as described in that ad, whether it was directed toward other males, women, or children. . Still, “men should” is a start that makes it difficult for me to listen fully. But your point is well taken. Thank you. Secondly I have trouble with combining “toxic” and “masculinity.” I understand those behaviors are far, far more prevalent among males. But if we look at some of the behaviors such as bullying. Is that masculine? I doubt 8th grade girls would agree. Bullying is toxic. I personally don’t see it as confined to males. But a message of reminding males to be better does have its place. I am seldom this open in a public form, but there are many times in my life when I have been ashamed of the male gender. So…it just goes to lots of places for me. Thank you for your point, it helped me reflect more deeply. And thank you for a forum, where I didn’t really know where else to express some of my thoughts.

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Like 4 January 22, 2019

CopperLotus

I have been reading through your blog and your responses, johnny. I seem to understand where youre coming from. The only thing I'd like to add is my opinion over the combining "toxic" and "masculinity". There was a meme that just zipped through my Facebook and it summed it up beautifully. You can ha... View more

Like 3 January 22, 2019