Having Tea with "Satan" or...

... who gave that bugger permission to redecorate MY hell?

After the last couple of rather deep posts and for some maybe even dark (LOL if you think those were dark you live a charmed life indeed!) it's time to lighten things up a little.

If you haven't figured out that I am having a bit of a stressful time right now you are not very observant, but for those of you who actually have taken the time to get to know me a little bit better you now that I have specific ways at time to deal with issues I feel stuck in. As in - seriously who brick walled all my doors and windows again, pity the buster when I find him!

So when my waking mind can't find a solution and I have already exhausted every darn venue I can think off, I go to my dream state to see if I can get answers there.

That looks something like this:

Before I go to sleep (and I make sure I am good and tired since I suffer from insomnia during high stress periods) I connect my mind to the universal all. I acknowledge what has led up to it, take the responsibility for the parts where I may have made a mistake to have aggravated the situation, and then ask that I'll be shown what I need to know to see me through this safely and if it is at all possible for Me to do by myself how to fix it.

Side note before I go further: Accepting your role in all of it and taking responsibility for the parts you could have handled differently is really important here. You can lie to everyone else if you want, but once you connect to your inner and universal guidance system you best stop lying. It's time to own it if you are going to ask for help or what you'll get instead is learning to own up to it. With other words it becomes a hell of a lot worse then it already is, because you have to see it for what it is first before you can go further.

So what does that have to do with having Tea with Satan? Well that was the dream I had after. Which doesn't come as too much of a surprise considering my "Satanic Goddess" aspect and the fetishes I do. Plus lately I have been saying I feel like I am in Hell quiet often.

Only this was not Hell as you would see and Satan looked a lot more like the Gay Satan from South Park then the Lord of the Abyss in his scary form. Oh and I should mention best cup of Tea EVER. Apparently Satan did a spot of redecorating my Hell too because instead of screaming Sinners along the boulders and wall there were singing and dancing sinner puppets happy getting prodded by Demons in tutus. The couch - our red velvet couch ( I am so sorry Love @EvilEnchantress) has a really big flower pattern on it. EEK. Oh and a big Sign was hung at the gate right from the River Styxx that said: "Welcome to Hell, Come on in and warm yourself by the Fire!" *Raise Eyebrows* Really? I mean come on Satan even for you that is a bit twisted and the lettering couldn't you have done better?

By the way Satan flips his pink finger up when drinking Tea. He's a proper gay gent it appears.

So either way here I am pouring my mind out to Satan and I tell him that I feel as if all everything is going to Hell. At which he firmly informs Me (seriously ME?) that that cannot happen because Hell is full and I need to go to Disneyland instead. *raises second eyebrow*

Now when you are already overwhelmed and someone even "Satan" starts being snarky and cracks jokes it gets really annoying in a hurry. I was not well pleased by being might light off. Yet this MY Satan here and so he knows just how to handle Me perfectly considering it is my universal mind conjuring it all up.

He stops me dead in my tracks as I am beginning to be indignant with him and in a gentle but firm tone (geez wonder where he got that from.. *rolls eyes at self*) asks Me...

"What makes you genuinely you?"

Seriously you are going to ask me that now? Fine, so I begin to give the usual suspect of answers that everyone expects to here and he pulls out a Pitchfork on Me. Seriously that Devil had zero respect for my greatness. Just you wait until I have this shit fixed, I am going to come back to Hell and kick his gay little ass.

He tells me that if I don't drop the BS right now and tell him what really makes me the genuine Me that I am he'll poke me with the Pitchfork.

Now I have to admit I was puzzled for a second. I mean what did he want me to say? All the usual suspects appeared to be off limits here, so what was left? He didn't ask me what made me the great Lady and Domme I am but what ME - just Me the woman the person - made me genuinely me.

Yes even Goddess in all her darn wisdom can be a bit dense at times and when I did the Google Cat Eyes (I don't know ... duh?) he points around him.

You know this is a dream right? He asks me.

Ok watch it folks when inside a dream you are suddenly getting it pointed out to you that you are dreaming, what follows after is important!!!

I nodded that yes I realized it fully now and then he points around himself and to himself. "Your mind conjured it up, you created this, what do you see? What is it like?" He asked.

Now the writer in me wants to answer it in a long speech of course, but I knew what he was asking. There is a reason I saw Satan as a gay male rather than as a beautiful Goddess in her darkness. That meant I was supposed to give the shortest most precise get to the point answers. A to B talk.

It's silly, goofy, slightly bizarre, whimsical even, it's funny and fun. It's something potentially really scary and I made it less so and even welcoming.

That was my answer and Satan looks at me and goes. Well that is the genuine you. Now go home and take care of business.

I woke up from this surreal dream that had been given to Me as answer laughing hysterically. I have to admit that for the last about 3 weeks now I haven't really laughed. Oh yeah I done a lot of the fake laughs we give to others to put everyone around you at ease and hide the tears behind the face of strength as is demanded by the masses for a Goddess, but a real deep belly laugh that was throwing me into fits of hysterical laughter, not so much.

It's still not going to fix the big picture of the problem, but it did open one of my windows at least. I needed to be reminded of who I really am, at the basest core of me, the core only those who are close enough to me to actually spend time getting to know have encountered. The goofy woman who will have you crack up with what she says at times. That loves to laugh and make other people laugh. Who pokes fun at herself and in that teaches important lessons. The Lady on the Throne who at times when necessary becomes the Court Jester, because you can't always be so damn serious.

I told my best friend about this today and she is truly the Sister of my heart. After talking a little back and forth about it I told her, this.

I have no idea if I can fix this by myself in time, but if it means I will go down - I will go down laughing my ass off!

Sometimes we hit moments when a way out just seems impossible, we get caught up in the stress and darkness of it all. We feel abandoned because there is nobody there to help as I said. As a Femdom we often are unable to reach out and ask for help because it is seen as pity domming and so you just don't do it. We often are forced to suffer the fear that comes upon us during those time alone. We stop laughing because we just don't see any humor in things any longer. In many ways our minds become our Jailers and for a Domme to feel trapped or caged is the worst feeling ever.

We continue to give to others, still continue to guide those who seek our guidance, because as a Domme we have learned that those who depend on our strength cannot be led down, even if we are more often then not. We are supposed to be superior beings and so we struggle to live up to that at all times.

Only thing is, that normal every day woman that is also part of me, usually gets through some really fucked up times by laughing, cracking jokes, being silly and recreating the world around her with her words and mind. The power of creation - that very magic I hold - that magic that has given so many people joy and shivers, had turned dark and I had lost my laughter in it.

Well thank you Satan (I am still kicking your ass so after I take care of Me) for reminding Me and where did you get that TEA?

I hope you enjoyed my dream and maybe just like me took something from it. I felt inside of myself the importance to share it with you, because I have a feeling there are other Ladies out there right now who like Me are Dommes and can't be human and seek help in order to be ok. Don't forget to laugh darlings, seek your inner genuine you core, not the Domme core but the woman - the female - the girl even, and hold on to her with all your might.

WE got this! This is a Phoenix moment!

Goddess Bella Donna