"Advice" For Newer Dommes

Between here, Twitter, Fetlife, and other sites, I've been seeing quite a bit of behavior that constitutes as, in gentle terms, ridiculous. The kink/BDSM worlds are open to anyone and everyone that wishes to get involved, but with every group, there is an unspoken code of conduct that I feel everyone needs to be aware of, old and new. And considering the rush of hundreds of new users into this world, many it seems without a clue as to how kink works, it's crucial that this code be learned.

I don't consider Myself the gatekeeper of kink. However, I feel like what you will be reading here is common sense in the realm of common courtesy. I also do not wish to start drama, and do not consider this blog as such. I have been in the D/s world for going on seven years, have been a Domme and sub, and this holds true regardless of how much time passes. Plus, I want to be able to stand up for the subs that feel like they have no rights whatsoever to how they pass through the community.

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1.) Do not message owned subs. Look at their profiles. If they say that they are owned or under consideration, do not contact them looking to own them. If it is general talk and the sub has permission to speak to other Dommes, then that is acceptable, but respect a sub's relationship and space.

2.) If you attempt to steal a sub from another Domme, you are showing disrespect for the Domme as well as the sub. Leave them alone. Look for your own subs. It's not up to you to decide if there is a finite or limited time that one sub will serve one Domme. Get your own, period.

3.) If you have had no contact or interaction with a sub whatsoever, do not message them demanding tribute or servitude. That is not how it works. If a sub likes your content, it's completely acceptable to engage with them in a more casual way to gauge interest or start conversation. If you just find a sub who has never interacted with you, has never even followed or friended you, and you instantly are in his DMs saying, "Hello pig, I want your fucking money," don't be surprised if they do react angrily or not at all. From a professional's standpoint, this is one of the tackiest things you can do. It's a 2% chance that they'll react how you wish, and if statistics mean anything, you want to go with the majority rule. Unless a sub harasses you, wishes to serve you, wants content from you, or wants a session, HE OWES YOU NOTHING. You don't get to tax a sub's existence just for identifying as a sub.

4.) Just because you say, "you're mine," doesn't mean anything. D/s relationships come from continuous interaction, a building of trust, a commitment of time, and an agreement of status. Subs are not a western world country during the 1400s and you are not a conquistador. You don't get to discover a sub, plunge your flag into them, and claim them for yourself. Remember that subs are people, too. They get to decide who they want to serve, and you cannot make them serve you (I guess blackmail codes make this different, but seeing as I'm vehemently against blackmail contracts or agreements, that's neither here nor there). A sub will choose who to serve based on a variety of traits you have and what jives well with who they are and how they submit. 

5.) Be more original than just "fuck you, pay me." Far and away, this is one of the things that irritates Me and Dommes like Me most. Being a Domme is more than just being bossy. There's a flair, a style, you need to originate. Write your own material. Plan your own ideas. Focus on three or four strong points you can name, and work on making them flourish and stick out. "I'm hot, you suck, pay me, go broke for me," doesn't work. Be creative! For example, one of My best qualities is My ass. I write about how it swerves when I move and how a beta's eyes can't help but follow it as it bounces, how decadent it looks, how a real man could easily take a bite but a sub could only hope to be smothered to unconsciousness beneath it. Maybe that just comes from how I've read and wrote erotica for years, but look at your fellow Dommes and get inspired. Just don't steal our content. It's annoying to have to call you out, but we will do it. 

6.) You do NOT get to decide on what a sub's hard limits are. I like to quantify the kink limits of a person to two areas: soft and hard. Soft limits are activities that are up for discussion, ones that can be discussed for experimentation at a later date when comfort is established. Hard limits are limits that a sub has set in stone. They do not want to engage in them. Whether too gross, triggering, etc., they will not be touched. You need to respect that. You can't just say, "Oh, lol, you do what I say, I get to decide what you do regardless." What if what you attempt to do puts a sub in a state of mental panic? You honestly can't tell Me that a part of you wouldn't be bothered, but if you could, congratulations on being heartless. Care about what your subs. Focus on their strengths. Only push them when you've talked about a kink or soft limit and know they can handle it. Don't be in the middle of playing with one kink, only to force them out of subspace and into a state of anxiety. Subspace can be hard to come down from, panic headspace takes much longer and much more time. Which brings Me to My final point...

7.) Aftercare is crucial. This goes to both Dommes and subs. Headspace during sessions can be intense. It's almost a state of self-induced hypnosis that one puts themselves into, starting with role-playing and becoming too vivid to come down from immediately. A sub might have been put into some intense play, and this is needed for both the Domme and the sub. A Domme will take great care to ensure that the sub is eased out of their subspace, as well as to assure them that their pet is okay. You can't just ditch a sub. You just can't. This is the reason why so many subs are hard to trust Dommes, after being deserted. Some are even unaware that aftercare is a thing. Be a good owner as well as a good human being: make sure the sub is alright.

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And that's about it. Honestly I don't believe any of these points are arguable, but they can be expanded upon, and I would love to hear other ideas of advice that seasoned Dommes can provide to the newbies. As for the newbies, or those that have entered into the realm of kink without doing their research, or doing it to make quick cash: think twice before you do this line of work. It's exhausting. It's taxing. It's a lot of work. You have to wear a lot of different hats. Don't cause drama and don't try to start clique bullshit. And don't carry a "better than all" attitude when you just start. You're all too easy to sniff out, and you will not succeed.