Lesson Learned

Every experience we have, whether good or bad, presents us with an opportunity to learn. Today (well, last night into today) I took the opportunity presented to learn a lesson. A hard one.



As a Dominant, the care of My submissive is very important to Me, and I am a great believer that I should never lose control of Myself at any time. If I can not control Myself, how then can I care for My submissive? I made the mistake of engaging in a serious scene with a submissive, after being awoken from a dead sleep and being medicated on cold medicine. In hindsight, I should have politely declined, but I did not.

This was not our first interaction, however it was one that led to a breakthrough in this sub's psyche. Again, had I been clear headed, this would have been a red flag for Me to take things slower, yet I did not, and eventually I got perturbed and acted irresponsibly.



A little backstory here: This is a Dom who approached Me, originally admiring some of My work with various submissives. His interest grew, and through our discussions he started to entertain his submissive side with Me. Back and forth, off and on, this continued for several months. During our interaction last night, he shared with me his desire to pursue his "sissy" fetish. (Note: this is where I should have said, "Not tonight. Let's wait until I am clear headed.") Instead of taking into consideration the emotional state he was in confessing this for the first time to another, I proceeded to interact with him as I do with others more comfortable with their fetish. I will share now, what I should have shared with him prior to continuing this scene.



"The constant struggle for dominance that a man faces in his everyday life can leave other aspects of his personality neglected, if not outright repressed, in order to get ahead. There's often precious little room for a man's more caring, compassionate side in the dog eat dog world of office politics, where any sign of weakness is swiftly taken advantage of by competitors. The law of the jungle may encourage the survival of the fittest, but it also leaves many men feeling shell shocked and off balance, forced to adopt an excessively masculine public persona that only represents one half of their true character. Only in the privacy of their home are they free to express their previously hidden aspects, but there the pendulum can swing the other way, adopting an ultra feminine, ultra submissive attitude to restore the balance and complete the whole. It's often all or nothing for a sissy - not just a bit womanly, but utterly girly.



It's natural for a heterosexual man to be attracted to the curves of a woman's body, but sometimes this process can be short circuited, leading to fetishes for things that have strong feminine associations - a love of lingerie or women's footwear, for instance. It's hardly that big a leap to go from being turned on by seeing sexy underwear on a woman's body to feeling it on one's own - a narcissistic indulgence that nevertheless satisfies sufficiently to be worth pursuing for some men. After all, donning one's own panties is much, much easier than metaphorically trying to get into a woman's, especially at the tender age when such fetishes are often formed. The same can be true for men who long to be cheerleaders, hookers or brides - rather than desiring to be with the object of their affections, they seek to become it themselves. Of course, that doesn't mean they aren't attracted to the real thing as well, simply that they find lingerie, outfits or other attire to be arousing in their own right - whether worn by an attractive woman or more closer to hand.



So you spend your days doing the “manly” things like taking charge of people and situations at home and work. There can even be the pressure of being up on those big sports games for the watercooler talk at work. And if you have a female significant other who expects you to initiate sex and be assertive or aggressive in the bedroom, there’s just no escape from being a man." -www.brassiered.com



Sissy boy play among straight and bi men takes a lot of confidence. It’s the ultimate mind fuck. Yet years of conditioning from early childhood, sexual development through puberty and the teen years, and peer pressure to be a 24/7 alpha male as an adult can lead to a lot of challenges and conflict.



This does NOT make you less of a man...in My opinion, it makes you more of one to be able to embrace all sides of yourself.



All this said, I did NOT take these things into consideration, I continued on till he hit subspace, and then in a moment, dropped him on his ass. He made a comment that struck Me wrong, and I reacted in a way I never should have, ESPECIALLY with one in subspace. I feel absolutely horrible for My behavior, for My irresponsibility as a Domme, and ashamed for My lack of empathy at the time.



His comments afterwards, and today, are atypical of subdrop. The effects of subdrop ( and its usually referred to as subdrop when they are bad effects) are similar to a kind of depressive state. What most people don’t take into consideration, especially if playing online. (They assume they are safe because the “Domme and Submissive” are not in the same room!) This is simply not true. There is so much potential for emotional injury, neglect, abuse. Sub drop is even more tricky when a dominant orchestrates a scene with a submissive and is not present to be able to see the signs of sub drop.

Maybe subdrop can be thought of along similar lines to the effects of shock: treat the sub in similar ways perhaps. Keep them comfortable, watch them for signs of distress, try and understand what they need from you, and provide that. These are all things I did not do.



Lesson learned: Never engage in a scene when you are not in the right head space (this goes for both parties), and never forget the human component in these interactions.