BDSM VS. Abuse

You’ll have to forgive the rambling and unfinished feel of this post. It is the product of being woken up at five in the morning after a nightmare. I was trying to get a point across and I hope it is somewhat delivered.

*“Rape is a crime against sleep and memory; it’s after image imprints itself like an irreversible negative from the camera obscure of dreams. Though their bodies would heal, their souls had sustained a damage beyond compensation”
– Pat Conroy*
This is a quote that is near and dear to my heart. Abuse, rape, whatever you want to call it, can be forever damaging, no matter how long ago it happened. For fourteen years, I had been beaten, raped, neglected, abandoned, even left for dead a few times. The few times I reached out for help had only made things worse. I eventually got away, or else I probably wouldn’t be here today. Unfortunately, five years later, I still have flashback nightmares, every single night, and some days I can still hear his words, can still smell his sweat and my blood, can still feel his cruel, unforgiving touch. A lot of the time, I feel so trapped and only see one way to make it finally go away. If it weren’t for the people that truly care about me and love me, again, I probably wouldn’t be here today.
I have also struggled for years with my desires, with my fetishes, with what makes me feel happy, alive, liberated…I had been shamed for them, time and time again, even by people I love. I kept hearing how I’m just hoping to be abused or that I’m sick for craving “abuse” after what my father had done to me. Thankfully, I am breaking the chains of shame more and more with each day because I’ve learned to accept that this is part of who I am, that it makes me happy and that there is nothing wrong with any of it.
But, I decided to write this because I keep running into people that believe BDSM is abuse or don‘t understand when abuse is happening. Granted, yes, abuse can, and does, happen in the world of BDSM. It’s about knowing the difference and knowing the warning signs. Educate yourself, even if you aren’t into BDSM because it could save your life. Male, female, no matter who you are, it can happen to anyone.

Regarding BDSM and any other sexual activities, if is not safe, sane and consensual, do not partake in it, no matter if it is online, over the phone or in person. Practice that mantra, set boundaries and know your limits.
Here is where I will begin explaining the ways I perceive differences between BDSM (or anything you enjoy sexually) and abuse.
Some things to remember are the three C’s-Communication, Compromise and Commitment.
If either partner is unwilling to provide those, then you should not be in that relationship, plain and simple.
More things to remember-Minimizing, Denying and Blaming.
If you are just starting out with your new partner and he/she truly hurts you, physically, emotionally and/or mentally during a scene, after you have voiced your limits and boundaries beforehand:
A. Starts making jokes about your pain, without apologizing or checking on you…showing no concern.
B. Saying that nothing happened, that you’re blowing it out of proportion.
C. Stating that it is your fault or that you deserved it.
Do whatever you can to get away because that kind of behavior is careless and abusive.
BDSM is not about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don’t want to do. Submissives aren’t going around begging to be hurt or to be treated like absolute dirt. Dominants aren’t sadistic rapists running around, hurting and taking advantage of people. BDSM doesn’t perpetuate or encourage abuse. The lifestyle is beautiful and full of love. It’s a safe, sane and consensual way of life. It nurtures, teaches, gives, takes, empowers and is built on absolute trust. BDSM is not about abuse and should never involve it.
I make a conscious choice every time I get on my knees before someone. That it is MY choice, and my choice alone. No one is forcing me, paying me, or coercing me. I also make a conscious decision when I am on the opposite end of the spectrum: To honor and respect them as a fellow human being. To honor and respect their limits, soft and hard. To observe them and listen to them when they might want to take a break, or to stop completely.

Please do not view BDSM as nothing but abuse because it couldn’t be further from the truth. If you don’t understand what the lifestyle is, do research, find out what you can before participating in any scenes. Trust your partner and trust yourself. If any abuse occurs, again, get away and seek help immediately. Your safety, well-being, your life, is so much more important than staying with someone abusive.