Be a Survivor

I have been thinking (as usual) and thinking, and thinking some more.
My past had not been easy, but it had taught so much…forgiveness and strength being the biggest lessons. For every wrong I had endured, I have forgiven each act. I am also, in a sense, thankful for every amount of abuse.

The forgiveness is for my peace of mind and because of how sad I feel for the ones that believe abuse is a way of life. I can’t even begin to fathom what it would feel like to abuse others to make you feel better about yourself. I cannot imagine what internal demons drive them to do such things and the mental struggle it takes to make the decision to harm another person. Some people simply do not care anymore, but there was always the first time…the first moment you made someone absolutely afraid of you. How does that feel?

I never want to know that feeling. Some people grew up and abuse was all that they knew and they believed there is nothing wrong with it. I’m not making excuses for the behavior of an abuser, but I want to understand at times. Sometimes it can be an act of spite, an act of power, an act of defiance, an act of fear, so on and so forth. Regardless of the reason behind abuse, it isn’t right, but you must learn to forgive.

“But they don’t deserve it.”

Probably not, but you do. You deserve that peace of mind, you deserve that calm within a raging storm. It isn’t worth it to harbor hate or grudges.

“But it’s too hard.”

Normally, things that are worth the most are the hardest to achieve. It’s the same concept as dieting for x amount of time to become healthier or to get to a certain weight. Once you have reached the goal, you get such an amazing and satisfying feeling and it puts you on top of the world.

“But they hurt me again.”

Firstly, get help as soon as possible, no matter what. Secondly, don’t lose track of the path to forgiveness. Don’t lose that sense of peace or that part of your spirit. That is something that no one can take from you, regardless of what they do to you.

Now, there are a few reasons I am thankful for what happened to me along the years. I am thankful that I was shown the definition of a monster, the definition of evil. I learned the difference between right and wrong. I learned that I can be a decent person and that I am capable of compassion and understanding, no matter how little it was shown during my childhood. I have learned to show love, an open heart and to always have open arms. I learned how strong I truly am and how quickly bruises can come and go, mentally, physically and emotionally. My heart is always on my sleeve, which, in my opinion, is a strength. I learned that I can overcome loss of innocence, struggle, fear and death. I was able to be a protector, a fighter and a rock to the ones that I hold dear. I am becoming more and more proud of the person I am, every single day.

I choose to survive, after every nightmare, every flashback, every moment I hear their voices in my head. I cannot tell you how many times I contemplated on ending everything…how many times I imagined cutting and letting those crimson lines drain my life away. How many times I wanted the pull of a trigger to be the last thing I hear. How many times I wanted to empty a bottle of medication and have an early eternal darkness. But I won’t because that would mean their demons, and my own, got the better of me…that they won. This is your life, your fight, your game. Nobody should have the power to take that away from you.

There are some days I still struggle with what has happened, but life isn’t perfect and all you can do is learn from it. Yes, I was a victim to a lot, but more than that, I was, and still am, a survivor. I am a better person because of my past. I am a better person because I found a blessing in my experiences rather than a curse. Practice forgiveness, love and strength. Be the survivor, never the victim.